LIMBO

an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.  

Wait has it really been over 9 months since my last post….it has been far too long since I have written.  I would blame the busy school year, crazy administrators, the challenging pregnancy, dealing with a toddler, being a wife/mommy, but the truth is finding inspiration over the past few months has been difficult. No worries….this seems to be the cycle of my life….some months (or years) are better than others in terms of motivation, innovation, and inspiration.

The name of this blog is limbo because I feel like that is my current state of being, in more ways than one…………………

Then came two……LIMBO

So everyone has said that the leap from no children to one is difficult.  Truth be told it is a cake-walk when you realize how challenging it is to have a toddler and a newborn.  Every single thing is harder and I’m not being dramatic.  

Lets start with the birth.  I figured given the fact that I had a c-section the first time, the second time would be a tad bit easier (not easy because we all know c-sections are never easy to recover from) but to my surprise it was double the pain, double the medication, double the gas bubbles, and those first steps off of the hospital bed were excruciating.  WTF, how could it possibly be worst the second time around? Well, I guess coupled with the fact that Hudson was a freaking linebacker coming out at 9 pounds and I was physically worn down from the weight of him resting on my organs….I went into the hospital a lot less vibrant than just two 1/2 years ago with my first child.  This is why its important to stay healthy as you age!     

Leaving the hospital is always a welcomed event after four days of being away from your family, except this time around I was consumed with anxiety, anticipation, and worry about caring for two children as my husband started back to work.  Self-talk and deep breathes didn't help the first night as I wept in the nursery when my toddler went into full blown tantrum mode and my newborn tried to sleep.  Unable to bend, move, carry anything or anyone proved to be a lot more difficult than I envisioned in my head.  Its almost like Sage knew exactly when the worst possible time was to throw a tantrum…..and I felt like a horrible mom for having little to no patience for her shenanigans.  It gets easier???? My mommy friends tell me that it does…..and Ive seen them survive some of the worst situations, so I have to believe that I have the strength to power through.    

Work…..LIMBO

Being off on maternity leave is great……but I must admit its not as enjoyable when you are still recovering almost two weeks later from the c-section.  You literally spend your first two weeks trying to not bust a stitch OR lose your shit completely.  This is the first time I have ever missed the beginning of a school year since I started in Education and while I thought it would be amazing, I’m finding it a bit lonely.  I didn't organize orientation, PDs, social outings for new staff this year.  I haven't done any meet and greets with the new administrators or new teachers….decisions are being made that will effect the entire year and I’m away from everything.  I feel completely out of the loop and useless.  Don’t even know what my job will look like when I officially return in November as I cut my hours down to part-time…..starting to doubt that my work will even be fulfilling anymore?  My fear is that working part-time in the network schools will continue to make me feel isolated as I wont be arounod nearly as much as everyone else.  And it doesn't help that I’m the only administrator with two small children. *Sigh*

Marriage……LIMBO

Finding it hard to put my emotions and thoughts (especially given my unbalanced hormones status these days) into words to express what is going on in my head to my husband.  I have found that this state of being is leaving me frequently silent or pondering my next steps.  I crave quiet time once the kids are sleep. Having the opportunity to eat or drink without harassment, use the bathroom & shower without someone needing something, or just sit in peace & quiet is something I know we both NEED.  It’s a challenging phase to be in for me as my husband has always been my best friend and my go to person to talk about everything under the sun with…..but having kids has definitely taken its toll....and talking doesn't seem to help.

I keep thinking when do we get to be “US” again or have a “normal” life…..and I guess the answer is (sometimes) daunting, since I know our lives have forever changed.  I want my husband to know that my
love hasn't changed and that he is still my best friend.  It is with his love and support that I make it through these challenging times each day.  It is him that reminds me of where we came from and where we want to go.  So while I seem on somedays to be secluded or isolated, I’m still here, loving the family that we have created as a unit.