LIMBO

an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.  

Wait has it really been over 9 months since my last post….it has been far too long since I have written.  I would blame the busy school year, crazy administrators, the challenging pregnancy, dealing with a toddler, being a wife/mommy, but the truth is finding inspiration over the past few months has been difficult. No worries….this seems to be the cycle of my life….some months (or years) are better than others in terms of motivation, innovation, and inspiration.

The name of this blog is limbo because I feel like that is my current state of being, in more ways than one…………………

Then came two……LIMBO

So everyone has said that the leap from no children to one is difficult.  Truth be told it is a cake-walk when you realize how challenging it is to have a toddler and a newborn.  Every single thing is harder and I’m not being dramatic.  

Lets start with the birth.  I figured given the fact that I had a c-section the first time, the second time would be a tad bit easier (not easy because we all know c-sections are never easy to recover from) but to my surprise it was double the pain, double the medication, double the gas bubbles, and those first steps off of the hospital bed were excruciating.  WTF, how could it possibly be worst the second time around? Well, I guess coupled with the fact that Hudson was a freaking linebacker coming out at 9 pounds and I was physically worn down from the weight of him resting on my organs….I went into the hospital a lot less vibrant than just two 1/2 years ago with my first child.  This is why its important to stay healthy as you age!     

Leaving the hospital is always a welcomed event after four days of being away from your family, except this time around I was consumed with anxiety, anticipation, and worry about caring for two children as my husband started back to work.  Self-talk and deep breathes didn't help the first night as I wept in the nursery when my toddler went into full blown tantrum mode and my newborn tried to sleep.  Unable to bend, move, carry anything or anyone proved to be a lot more difficult than I envisioned in my head.  Its almost like Sage knew exactly when the worst possible time was to throw a tantrum…..and I felt like a horrible mom for having little to no patience for her shenanigans.  It gets easier???? My mommy friends tell me that it does…..and Ive seen them survive some of the worst situations, so I have to believe that I have the strength to power through.    

Work…..LIMBO

Being off on maternity leave is great……but I must admit its not as enjoyable when you are still recovering almost two weeks later from the c-section.  You literally spend your first two weeks trying to not bust a stitch OR lose your shit completely.  This is the first time I have ever missed the beginning of a school year since I started in Education and while I thought it would be amazing, I’m finding it a bit lonely.  I didn't organize orientation, PDs, social outings for new staff this year.  I haven't done any meet and greets with the new administrators or new teachers….decisions are being made that will effect the entire year and I’m away from everything.  I feel completely out of the loop and useless.  Don’t even know what my job will look like when I officially return in November as I cut my hours down to part-time…..starting to doubt that my work will even be fulfilling anymore?  My fear is that working part-time in the network schools will continue to make me feel isolated as I wont be arounod nearly as much as everyone else.  And it doesn't help that I’m the only administrator with two small children. *Sigh*

Marriage……LIMBO

Finding it hard to put my emotions and thoughts (especially given my unbalanced hormones status these days) into words to express what is going on in my head to my husband.  I have found that this state of being is leaving me frequently silent or pondering my next steps.  I crave quiet time once the kids are sleep. Having the opportunity to eat or drink without harassment, use the bathroom & shower without someone needing something, or just sit in peace & quiet is something I know we both NEED.  It’s a challenging phase to be in for me as my husband has always been my best friend and my go to person to talk about everything under the sun with…..but having kids has definitely taken its toll....and talking doesn't seem to help.

I keep thinking when do we get to be “US” again or have a “normal” life…..and I guess the answer is (sometimes) daunting, since I know our lives have forever changed.  I want my husband to know that my
love hasn't changed and that he is still my best friend.  It is with his love and support that I make it through these challenging times each day.  It is him that reminds me of where we came from and where we want to go.  So while I seem on somedays to be secluded or isolated, I’m still here, loving the family that we have created as a unit.  

LETS BE FREE............

As I sit outside, post-morning workout, basking in the humid, dry heat of Qatar; I can’t help but feel an immense amount of freedom. This freedom, free space, free existence that I feel is incredibly difficult to describe to anyone.  And so what better blank canvas to paint my words on…..then a new blog post…………

A little over seven years ago, I remember feeling lost and isolated in the world that I knew and created.  Although, I was very successful (by American standards), with a great job, a BMW, a luxury apartment, money, and family.  I wasn’t happy.  I sought out healthy and unhealthy ways to cope with my ever-changing lifestyle.  I found myself spreading both my time and my affection with people who weren’t truthfully entitled to it.  This was all in the name of searching for happiness, peace, comfort, and I guess perfection.   These things I later found out had a lot more to do with ME, then the outside world.

A choice was made to leave NYC, to leave the heaviness, to leave the financial responsibilities, to leave the work I poured myself into over the years; and go on a journey to feel free and be free.  So how does that look now? Four years into my overseas life....

Financial freedom:  There is a level of freedom living overseas that most Americans will never experience.  I’m thankful that I was given this opportunity to understand what no taxes on your salary really means.   And I have realized that financial freedom is much more than having money. It’s the freedom to be who you really are and do what you really want in life.  And many of us, especially my female friends, lose sight of this by putting others first and playing many different roles such as parent, spouse, employee, and friend.

Money Does Not Make You Rich.  But having a greater intentionality by which you track and spend money does.  Not having to sweat rent, car notes, car insurance, or flights home changes your outlook on life.  It changes your marriage. It changes your world.  And again I am eternally grateful for this financial freedom. It’s been a continual process of growth, improvement and gaining spiritual and emotional strength to become the most powerful, happy, and successful “me” possible.

Freedom of movement:  The right to travel is a concept encompassing the right of individuals to travel from place to place within the territory of a country, and to leave the country and return to it.  Why do people not exercise this right more often?

Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them.  Travel has afforded me the opportunity to meet the most amazing humans on earth. I don't understand how each one of us know or have friends and family members in another city or country; but have not used it as an excuse to explore and travel.  There is no better excuse to travel! Even if you aren’t the traveler or person you want to be in your head, it’s never too late to change. Travel is all about change. The more you say “tomorrow,” the less likely it is that tomorrow will ever come.

Traveling around the world has taught me how to be more social, more flexible, and communicate a lot better.  It has helped me figure out situations even when I couldn’t understand them.  It has made me more independent, more open, and, overall, just a better person.  I used to be a very rigid person (some would say I still am lol), but traveling has helped me expand my worldview.

When I hung my dress shirts and suits after New York City, I wasn't sure what my next chapter would look like in the Middle East, but I thought it would have to be something I felt passionate about, put my various degrees to good work, and I would need to travel ALOT. It's funny how life works out and sometimes you plant a lot of seeds, work your butt off, wait, maybe get a little frustrated, but keep plowing through, and things really start to come together in a way you never could have imagined. I know that everything in life happens for a reason, and I'm just trying to take in this whole experience, learn as much as I can, help others as much as possible, and just be happy.

Freedom of spirit and thoughts:  

“I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

True freedom doesn’t come in the future, from a situation, or “from” anything at all, but is within me right now.  My outer world, like myself, isn’t something that needs to be fixed, changed, or controlled so I could experience peace in the future. This outer reality is and will always be a direct reflection of my thoughts.  This summer in particular, I had to learn that each person’s opinion is solely the product of his or her own life and reality.  I don't have to internalize those opinions or thoughts.

It’s hard to imagine this right?  Rather than getting consumed by someone’s opinions or negative comments, get obsessed over it and letting it affect me, I just let it go.  I heard what they said, accepted that it was a reflection of their own world, and poof.  Watched the thought disappear….into thin air.

And on that note: Way up, I feel blessed!

What can you learn by spending 3 years away ?????

Yeah I know its been over three months since my last blog post......sorry I took a little hiatus to do the motherhood thing for a minute. BUT I'm back!

BIG IDEA: Life is full of twists and turns.

Essential Questions: What can you learn in 2 years? What can traveling around the world and working in a foreign country teach you? How different are your decisions/ choices/ regrets because you are living far away from family & friends?

Life: We think we have life figured out.  We have a plan and know the direction in which we are headed.  While some of that might be true, life is soooo incredibly unpredictable and unforgiving. One day we think we understand the world and the people around us; and the next day everything seems almost alien & foreign. This is the thing that I learned, you are meant to live life and not fret over the fact that your plan doesn't seem to work out the way you intended.  Life is expansive and creative. It is dynamic and explosive and wonderful and crazy.  There are things you were meant to do and become. It matters that you work to do and become them. And thats what life is about....working towards, while taking it all in simultaneously.

Friends: This journey has taught me that true friends will remain connected to you no matter how far away you live and how often you travel back home.  True friends will accept the fact that your time is limited when you come home, but find ways to make memories out of the simplest things (i.e. - BBQ, picnics, breakfast, quick lunches, ice cream, drive-by's, walks in the park, Skype). It is all precious time and needs to be truly valued...since it could all be taken away from us in a blink of an eye.  So I have learned over the past few years to be thankful for the few very close friends who I can randomly call or email disturbing & silly questions, and get instant motivation from when I've hit a wall.  So if you are one of them....thank you, your friendship means more than you know.   

Finding your purpose and doing GOOD: Over the last few years, I have learned that you can live a profound life by doing things that are profound. You can add meaning and purpose to life by doing meaningful and purposeful things.  For me that is Education, Teaching, Learning, and Inspiring. I believe that I have the capacity for great good.  I truly believe a simple act of kindness sends a ripple through life that continues to radiate out of others, inspired by you.  I actively look for opportunities to bless others’ lives and I'm proud of that.

Work - So many lessons learned in this area......how about a list instead:

• I have learned to set high expectations and force others to raise up.
• I have learned to hold fast to my values and beliefs whether it makes me popular or not. 
• I have learned that my fear of failure, has pushed me to do amazing things & make courageous choices.
• I have developed an art for dealing with many personalities, attitudes, and demeanors. 
• I have accepted the fact that I'm not perfect, and learned to embrace my mistakes and shortcomings. 
• I have accepted that not all educators are created equal.
• I acknowledge that I am a work in progress....and tact isn't always one of my strong suits:)

Family:  Having a baby thousands of miles away from family has proven to be both the most beautiful and most challenging task I have ever embarked on.  There have been many occurrences over the past seven months that have made me question my ability to raise a child, work full time, be a wife, sister, daughter and just Selina.  Not having family here in Doha is a lot harder than I anticipated.  While we have colleagues and a few friends who are wonderful and offer their services with Sage; it is not the same as having my mom or sister who I could just drop Sage off with to run and get a manicure, shop, or just hit the gym.  Juggling our time has been the biggest challenge given our jammed packed work schedules.  I feel like the past year has taught me to survive on little sleep, work on empty, and appreciate the downtime that we do get together as a family.  But I really do weigh my homesickness with the desire to finish things I have started in terms of education/life.

Money: Dont ever underestimate the importance of money. I know its often been said that money won't make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, its a lovely thing to have around the house.  I have learned that I like not having to pay rent, utilities, or a car note.  I love traveling the world to exotic and interesting places, meeting some of the most fascinating people every year.  And without the money to be able to do it....I would just be working a job to survive every year and thats boring.  So I am thankful for the opportunity to have funds to indulge in various forms of entertainment that is both enriching and fun.

Gotta learn to live with regrets: 

As Jay Z said " This is the number one rule for your set

In order to survive got to learn to live with regrets

On the rise to the top many drop, don't forget

In order to survive got to learn to live with regrets"

Even when you think you did the best you could, hindsight asks if you did everything you could.  if you could’ve made more of an effort to make it happen…if your priorities were always as sound as they felt in the moment…..life, choices, decisions......

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Babies Cry A lot: Welcome Sage Marjean Collins

It has been a long stretch of time since I written my last blog post.  My whole world has completely transformed over the course of a few short months.  Let’s rewind a bit…..

Pregnancy Up to Labor:

As you know the pregnancy itself went pretty smooth, which I didn't expect at all given the horror stories I heard for so many years.  No heartburn, indigestion, or mood swings; but sleeping comfortably was a freaking bitch. I gained exactly the right amount of weight by eating all the recommended foods and avoided things like sugary snacks & processed foods.  I was proud of myself for sticking to a healthy diet and exercise routine.  Everyone warned me about working out while pregnant and keeping to a daily exercise regimen; but it proved to be magical for my recovery. The labor/delivery on the other hand was a bit more problematic.  Nothing can prepare you for what happens during the active labor part of delivery.  All of my friends and family members (bless their hearts) tried to explain to me what contractions would feel like and the massive amount of energy needed to push out a baby.  Needless to say when the moment came…..none of the advice, knowledge, or support helped easy the intense penetrating pain.

 

Contractions feel like:

A few friends have asked me since the labor/delivery what it felt like and what was the worst part; so in as few words as possible I’ll sum up the experience.  It was too soon after the ordeal to talk about before.  Contractions do not feel like “really bad” period pains…people lie when they say that bullshit!  Contractions feel as if your body has a life of its own and you are unable to ignore it or sit or lie still very easily. My stomach tighten up and it literally took my breath away as they gradually got stronger.  When they say the human body is remarkable and can withstand immense pain; it's the TRUTH! They are very rhythmic and powerful, it hurts but in a way that is very difficult to describe and it is the most intense feeling you will ever feel as a woman. 

Life Changes = Evolution

So to give you an idea of how my life has changed since Sage:  I’ve had to stop writing this blog post only 20 minutes into writing because she refuses to do anything else but cry hysterically if I don't rock her in my arms at this very moment.  And nope she refuses to let daddy to it right now…..as she screams bloody murder (sigh). L

Ok, back to this post……now 45 minutes later

That's exactly what has changed the most about our lives, our ability to live independently and spontaneously.  Everything is now a calculated routine from how long it will take for me to run errands before having to breastfeed; to how quickly we can cook and eat dinner together before she wakes up; to how long can she really cry before finally falling asleep.  It’s exhausting and challenging.  It's the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in life so far.  The things that suck about having a baby (far away from home with no family) still suck.....but I'm learning to adjust & prioritize 

The Baby – Sage Marjean Collins

Sage is now 8 weeks old and completely remarkable.  It’s hard to believe that I care as much for a little person, as I do an adult who I’ve known for 30 something years of my life.  While life has totally changed, I can honestly say now that I can’t imagine my life without her.

Just the 3 of us! 

Top 8 things I love about Sage (no particular order)

• She babbles when she wakes up in the morning to get our attention
• She grabs my shirt and holds it so tightly when she feeds
• She loves listening to music and dancing with us
• She smells wonderful (even when she spits up)
• She has the softest hands and feet
• She likes to lay on my chest and look up into my eyes
• She looks like a chipmunk when she is swaddled
• She likes to take afternoon walks

Maternity Leave - 5 week countdown

Last 6 weeks of Pregnancy: 

So the first 8 months of pregnancy was not at all what I expected.  No real issues, my weight gain was completely gradual, very little mood swings or depression, zero cravings, and overall the poster gal of happiness.  Now that I have reached the end it seems like every symptom that I didn't exhibit is slowly piling up to drive me completely insane right before I go into labor.  It’s almost like a cruel joke being played on me for being too damn jovial about my lack of symptoms.

Since this is my first baby I have no real point of reference for pain or what’s normal; but I tell you that my hips consistently hurting every night (even though I bought a body pillow) just cant be normal.  Waking up at 1am, 3 am, 4am is completely annoying (and don't say it gives me practice….bc I don't want it yet)! And the weight that is pulling my back, front, stomach, everything pretty much down is insufferable.   Not to mention my inability to sit straight up, roll out of bed properly, or get out of a tub unassisted.  How in the hell do women do this over and over again?

Everyone keeps telling me to hang in there, hold on for this wonderful surprise at the end of the tunnel, or ooh labor is gonna be much worst…..well guess what none of that shit makes me feel better right now.  I see why women have postpartum at the end of all of this.    

Maternity Leave and Summer Vacation 2014:
35 Weeks and it feels like I am falling apart! (lol). I am going on maternity leave in a few weeks, but it feels like it just cannot get here quick enough!! I always thought I would be able to work up to the very end so that I can spend as much time as possible with the baby afterwards, but now I really admire woman that are able to actually do this. Day to day I find myself struggling to get up in the morning, my back is giving me hell, and I loath putting on any clothes that aren’t sweatpants.  Sooooo I am really looking forward to a little "break" from work and the opportunity to focus on my baby and family.

Summer vacation is about 4 weeks after I get back from maternity leave (which Im sure will feel like an eternity) and we are trying to decide the best course of action for summer vacation 2014.  Multiple demands, request, and inquisitive questions about how we are spending our summer are already flooding in.  Apparently, everyone has suddenly forgotten that planning a summer vacation with a newborn baby can be quite overwhelming for new parents!?! Babies are naturally high maintenance and their needs can be demanding (especially the first few months); and lets not forget the 13 hour plane ride we would have to endure to come back to expensive NYC.  In addition to the whole suitcase full of baby items to try to check and store on an airplane or the pressurized cabin that will make the newborn baby ears pop.  Doesn't sound fun right?

So with that said, people may just have to visit us aboard if they want to see the baby.  With all the traveling back and forth to NY we have already done over our 16 months living in the Middle East, it seems like a bit much to expect again in terms of finances, travel, & time.  So what are we thinking? Well, since every place in the world except maybe London and Paris are cheaper to stay at for an extended time period than NYC, maybe we will rent a place for a month somewhere in Europe and invite people to come visit us overseas.  What don't y'all want to venture out of Miami, the Caribbean or Mexico for a summer?  It will be well worth it ☺ and y'all only have to pay for your flight!  These are preliminary plans…..keep you posted on what we decide, where and for how long.





Friends & The Structure of Friendship:  
One of the things I’ve learned to appreciate on my epic journey across several countries the past 16 months is that people are just as fluid as life itself is; and with given circumstances every thing and everyone can change in unimaginable ways.  The friends we once held tight and close over the years for one reason or another can change so quickly that you begin wondering if you ever actually had a strong friendship with that person.  Note I don't necessarily think that is bad though, I sincerely believe that people come into our life for a reason and/or a season…….just so happens some stay longer than others.

Lessons learned over this year…..some things that kill friendships:
1. Lack of reciprocation  (it's a give and take relationship)
2. Negativity (toxicity)
3. Inability to adapt to change (people change and so do situations…..have to learn to adapt with them)
4. Conflicts that grow (Those people who pretend that nothing is wrong or shutting down instead of talking to your friend)

I guess the best way to frame it is:  “Friends” come and go, but there are precious few you should hold on to.  You should always work hard to bridge the gaps between geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need people who know & understand the myriad of changes that have occurred throughout your life.  So be willing to make new friends along your journey of life, but try to nurture & maintain the ones you hold near and dear to your heart.

Finding Inspiration

I’d like to start this blog post with a note I wrote to a dear friend recently…who struggled with many of the same job-related issues that I faced over the past few months.

 

As an adult it is much more difficult to forge new friendships and maintain old ones.  It is important to hold on to a few people who truly inspire you....who give you hope and feed your soul with positivity when negativity is beating you down. I'm thankful for our conversations and for the inspiration that you have given me (even when you didn't know). Sometimes God puts people in our life for a reason....and those very rare few special people confirm the light at the end of the tunnel for us….and that motivates us to keep moving forward. 

As the Thanksgiving holiday passes another year, I found myself seriously reflecting on past and present friendships and the holistic value that they play in my life.  I thought long and hard about what friends are good to keep in my life and which ones needed to be let go.  And I guess the overall conclusions I came to made me rethink the importance of people in my life and how much I am willing to give in return for their friendship.  

1.    Time doesn't equal friendship.  I’ve made the mistake of thinking that just because I have known a person for months/years that I should remain friends with them, even when the friendship is empty and I get nothing in return from the relationship.

2.    Friendships are not one sided.  A friend doesn't only call you when they need something, are having drama, or need to ask for a favor.

3.    Friends keep you positive and help you stay grounded.  If someone doesn't feed your soul or push you to become a better person each day, then it doesn't make sense to continue calling them a friend.

Life in Qatar one year later……

Over a year ago, I was anxious for a change in my life but couldn’t figure out if that change was a new apartment, new job, or new city. After many conversations with friends, family, mentors and just about anyone who would listen to me talk – I realized it was all of the above.  I was ready to leave the city maybe the country and start out on an adventure that was not predetermined.  I no longer wanted to be caught in the “Busy Trap” of NYC.  In NYC, busy meant working hard and playing hard.  It meant spending less time with loved one as my job occupied most of my time, and partying hard ranked pretty high in exchange for my daily hard work. 

Don't get me wrong I adore the changing colors of the Empire State Building lights; I enjoyed sitting on the steps of Brownstones drinking margaritas in the summer; I liked fighting through the snow and sludge to grab hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts before keeping warm in a lounge around Christmastime. And most of all I love the fabulous, fiery friends I spent many nights with laughing until I almost peed on myself.

I DO STILL miss all of those things!

But a year ago, it was hard for people to believe that life exists outside of NYC and I certainly was hoping that the decisions I made would lead me to the life I was looking for.   Well, a year later have I found what I was searching for?  Only now have I come to realize how important leaving was for my sanity, as well, for my immense desire to change/switch up my lifestyle.  Getting out of New York helped me rediscover the outside world, while living in Doha has reminded me to ignore the world if you're happy with where you are (in life) and what you're moving toward.  So with that said Doha is not the last stop on my destination unknown…..but I’m enjoying the moments that I couldn't have in NYC while maintaining vigilance of new opportunities and/or signs of a change to come.

The Baby is coming…..100 day countdown

As wonderful as the idea of pregnancy can be, it is also one of the most stressful life events that a couple goes through especially after having a previous miscarriage.  I have always felt that society and the media, all too often project pregnancy as a perfect condition that results in the birth of a beautiful bundle of joy at the end of a problem-free nine months lol. But the more you ask around, the more you find out that a vast majority of women encounter issues contrary to this perfect pregnancy idea. 

 

While my pregnancy in general has been rather painless (up until now with the back pain), all the “other things” that an expecting mom loses sleep over is really starting to kick in.  I find myself laying awake think about everything from sleepless nights in a few months, to nursing, to my whole world changing, to my focus being only on this small little human.  It’s frightening to think that the life I once knew will be completely turned upside down! Whew 

With that said I do believe pregnancy and the moments leading to pregnancy can be a time for enormous personal growth.  As I am preparing for the most important, challenging, and rewarding job “they say” I could ever have, I am constantly reexamining my anxiety.