Babies Cry A lot: Welcome Sage Marjean Collins

It has been a long stretch of time since I written my last blog post.  My whole world has completely transformed over the course of a few short months.  Let’s rewind a bit…..

Pregnancy Up to Labor:

As you know the pregnancy itself went pretty smooth, which I didn't expect at all given the horror stories I heard for so many years.  No heartburn, indigestion, or mood swings; but sleeping comfortably was a freaking bitch. I gained exactly the right amount of weight by eating all the recommended foods and avoided things like sugary snacks & processed foods.  I was proud of myself for sticking to a healthy diet and exercise routine.  Everyone warned me about working out while pregnant and keeping to a daily exercise regimen; but it proved to be magical for my recovery. The labor/delivery on the other hand was a bit more problematic.  Nothing can prepare you for what happens during the active labor part of delivery.  All of my friends and family members (bless their hearts) tried to explain to me what contractions would feel like and the massive amount of energy needed to push out a baby.  Needless to say when the moment came…..none of the advice, knowledge, or support helped easy the intense penetrating pain.

 

Contractions feel like:

A few friends have asked me since the labor/delivery what it felt like and what was the worst part; so in as few words as possible I’ll sum up the experience.  It was too soon after the ordeal to talk about before.  Contractions do not feel like “really bad” period pains…people lie when they say that bullshit!  Contractions feel as if your body has a life of its own and you are unable to ignore it or sit or lie still very easily. My stomach tighten up and it literally took my breath away as they gradually got stronger.  When they say the human body is remarkable and can withstand immense pain; it's the TRUTH! They are very rhythmic and powerful, it hurts but in a way that is very difficult to describe and it is the most intense feeling you will ever feel as a woman. 

Life Changes = Evolution

So to give you an idea of how my life has changed since Sage:  I’ve had to stop writing this blog post only 20 minutes into writing because she refuses to do anything else but cry hysterically if I don't rock her in my arms at this very moment.  And nope she refuses to let daddy to it right now…..as she screams bloody murder (sigh). L

Ok, back to this post……now 45 minutes later

That's exactly what has changed the most about our lives, our ability to live independently and spontaneously.  Everything is now a calculated routine from how long it will take for me to run errands before having to breastfeed; to how quickly we can cook and eat dinner together before she wakes up; to how long can she really cry before finally falling asleep.  It’s exhausting and challenging.  It's the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in life so far.  The things that suck about having a baby (far away from home with no family) still suck.....but I'm learning to adjust & prioritize 

The Baby – Sage Marjean Collins

Sage is now 8 weeks old and completely remarkable.  It’s hard to believe that I care as much for a little person, as I do an adult who I’ve known for 30 something years of my life.  While life has totally changed, I can honestly say now that I can’t imagine my life without her.

Just the 3 of us! 

Top 8 things I love about Sage (no particular order)

• She babbles when she wakes up in the morning to get our attention
• She grabs my shirt and holds it so tightly when she feeds
• She loves listening to music and dancing with us
• She smells wonderful (even when she spits up)
• She has the softest hands and feet
• She likes to lay on my chest and look up into my eyes
• She looks like a chipmunk when she is swaddled
• She likes to take afternoon walks

Maternity Leave - 5 week countdown

Last 6 weeks of Pregnancy: 

So the first 8 months of pregnancy was not at all what I expected.  No real issues, my weight gain was completely gradual, very little mood swings or depression, zero cravings, and overall the poster gal of happiness.  Now that I have reached the end it seems like every symptom that I didn't exhibit is slowly piling up to drive me completely insane right before I go into labor.  It’s almost like a cruel joke being played on me for being too damn jovial about my lack of symptoms.

Since this is my first baby I have no real point of reference for pain or what’s normal; but I tell you that my hips consistently hurting every night (even though I bought a body pillow) just cant be normal.  Waking up at 1am, 3 am, 4am is completely annoying (and don't say it gives me practice….bc I don't want it yet)! And the weight that is pulling my back, front, stomach, everything pretty much down is insufferable.   Not to mention my inability to sit straight up, roll out of bed properly, or get out of a tub unassisted.  How in the hell do women do this over and over again?

Everyone keeps telling me to hang in there, hold on for this wonderful surprise at the end of the tunnel, or ooh labor is gonna be much worst…..well guess what none of that shit makes me feel better right now.  I see why women have postpartum at the end of all of this.    

Maternity Leave and Summer Vacation 2014:
35 Weeks and it feels like I am falling apart! (lol). I am going on maternity leave in a few weeks, but it feels like it just cannot get here quick enough!! I always thought I would be able to work up to the very end so that I can spend as much time as possible with the baby afterwards, but now I really admire woman that are able to actually do this. Day to day I find myself struggling to get up in the morning, my back is giving me hell, and I loath putting on any clothes that aren’t sweatpants.  Sooooo I am really looking forward to a little "break" from work and the opportunity to focus on my baby and family.

Summer vacation is about 4 weeks after I get back from maternity leave (which Im sure will feel like an eternity) and we are trying to decide the best course of action for summer vacation 2014.  Multiple demands, request, and inquisitive questions about how we are spending our summer are already flooding in.  Apparently, everyone has suddenly forgotten that planning a summer vacation with a newborn baby can be quite overwhelming for new parents!?! Babies are naturally high maintenance and their needs can be demanding (especially the first few months); and lets not forget the 13 hour plane ride we would have to endure to come back to expensive NYC.  In addition to the whole suitcase full of baby items to try to check and store on an airplane or the pressurized cabin that will make the newborn baby ears pop.  Doesn't sound fun right?

So with that said, people may just have to visit us aboard if they want to see the baby.  With all the traveling back and forth to NY we have already done over our 16 months living in the Middle East, it seems like a bit much to expect again in terms of finances, travel, & time.  So what are we thinking? Well, since every place in the world except maybe London and Paris are cheaper to stay at for an extended time period than NYC, maybe we will rent a place for a month somewhere in Europe and invite people to come visit us overseas.  What don't y'all want to venture out of Miami, the Caribbean or Mexico for a summer?  It will be well worth it ☺ and y'all only have to pay for your flight!  These are preliminary plans…..keep you posted on what we decide, where and for how long.





Friends & The Structure of Friendship:  
One of the things I’ve learned to appreciate on my epic journey across several countries the past 16 months is that people are just as fluid as life itself is; and with given circumstances every thing and everyone can change in unimaginable ways.  The friends we once held tight and close over the years for one reason or another can change so quickly that you begin wondering if you ever actually had a strong friendship with that person.  Note I don't necessarily think that is bad though, I sincerely believe that people come into our life for a reason and/or a season…….just so happens some stay longer than others.

Lessons learned over this year…..some things that kill friendships:
1. Lack of reciprocation  (it's a give and take relationship)
2. Negativity (toxicity)
3. Inability to adapt to change (people change and so do situations…..have to learn to adapt with them)
4. Conflicts that grow (Those people who pretend that nothing is wrong or shutting down instead of talking to your friend)

I guess the best way to frame it is:  “Friends” come and go, but there are precious few you should hold on to.  You should always work hard to bridge the gaps between geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need people who know & understand the myriad of changes that have occurred throughout your life.  So be willing to make new friends along your journey of life, but try to nurture & maintain the ones you hold near and dear to your heart.

Finding Inspiration

I’d like to start this blog post with a note I wrote to a dear friend recently…who struggled with many of the same job-related issues that I faced over the past few months.

 

As an adult it is much more difficult to forge new friendships and maintain old ones.  It is important to hold on to a few people who truly inspire you....who give you hope and feed your soul with positivity when negativity is beating you down. I'm thankful for our conversations and for the inspiration that you have given me (even when you didn't know). Sometimes God puts people in our life for a reason....and those very rare few special people confirm the light at the end of the tunnel for us….and that motivates us to keep moving forward. 

As the Thanksgiving holiday passes another year, I found myself seriously reflecting on past and present friendships and the holistic value that they play in my life.  I thought long and hard about what friends are good to keep in my life and which ones needed to be let go.  And I guess the overall conclusions I came to made me rethink the importance of people in my life and how much I am willing to give in return for their friendship.  

1.    Time doesn't equal friendship.  I’ve made the mistake of thinking that just because I have known a person for months/years that I should remain friends with them, even when the friendship is empty and I get nothing in return from the relationship.

2.    Friendships are not one sided.  A friend doesn't only call you when they need something, are having drama, or need to ask for a favor.

3.    Friends keep you positive and help you stay grounded.  If someone doesn't feed your soul or push you to become a better person each day, then it doesn't make sense to continue calling them a friend.

Life in Qatar one year later……

Over a year ago, I was anxious for a change in my life but couldn’t figure out if that change was a new apartment, new job, or new city. After many conversations with friends, family, mentors and just about anyone who would listen to me talk – I realized it was all of the above.  I was ready to leave the city maybe the country and start out on an adventure that was not predetermined.  I no longer wanted to be caught in the “Busy Trap” of NYC.  In NYC, busy meant working hard and playing hard.  It meant spending less time with loved one as my job occupied most of my time, and partying hard ranked pretty high in exchange for my daily hard work. 

Don't get me wrong I adore the changing colors of the Empire State Building lights; I enjoyed sitting on the steps of Brownstones drinking margaritas in the summer; I liked fighting through the snow and sludge to grab hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts before keeping warm in a lounge around Christmastime. And most of all I love the fabulous, fiery friends I spent many nights with laughing until I almost peed on myself.

I DO STILL miss all of those things!

But a year ago, it was hard for people to believe that life exists outside of NYC and I certainly was hoping that the decisions I made would lead me to the life I was looking for.   Well, a year later have I found what I was searching for?  Only now have I come to realize how important leaving was for my sanity, as well, for my immense desire to change/switch up my lifestyle.  Getting out of New York helped me rediscover the outside world, while living in Doha has reminded me to ignore the world if you're happy with where you are (in life) and what you're moving toward.  So with that said Doha is not the last stop on my destination unknown…..but I’m enjoying the moments that I couldn't have in NYC while maintaining vigilance of new opportunities and/or signs of a change to come.

The Baby is coming…..100 day countdown

As wonderful as the idea of pregnancy can be, it is also one of the most stressful life events that a couple goes through especially after having a previous miscarriage.  I have always felt that society and the media, all too often project pregnancy as a perfect condition that results in the birth of a beautiful bundle of joy at the end of a problem-free nine months lol. But the more you ask around, the more you find out that a vast majority of women encounter issues contrary to this perfect pregnancy idea. 

 

While my pregnancy in general has been rather painless (up until now with the back pain), all the “other things” that an expecting mom loses sleep over is really starting to kick in.  I find myself laying awake think about everything from sleepless nights in a few months, to nursing, to my whole world changing, to my focus being only on this small little human.  It’s frightening to think that the life I once knew will be completely turned upside down! Whew 

With that said I do believe pregnancy and the moments leading to pregnancy can be a time for enormous personal growth.  As I am preparing for the most important, challenging, and rewarding job “they say” I could ever have, I am constantly reexamining my anxiety.

Truth Over Harmony

Fifth Month of Pregnancy 
Some would say that pregnancy is a wild, wild ride.  The hormones making you Jekyll-and-Hyde levels of insane and these bizarre cravings take over your life.  Thankfully I haven’t had many of these “symptoms” other than morning sickness at the very beginning of the pregnancy.  Now don't get me wrong, morning sickness is a beast in itself and I don't wish it on anyone. I felt as if I was suffering one of the worst hangovers of my life for weeks…..kind of hard to put into proper words. So while I can definitely say I don't have the raging hormones or cravings, I most certainly can tell I am changing from the inside out.  I feel like a completely different person already and I’m pretty sure there is no going back to my “old” self when this is over. My bladder surely will never be the same again after this pregnancy! 

Pregnant and Living Overseas

We currently live 13 hours away from family and friends back in the States.  So we literally have no one but each other out here in Qatar.  And we know that can be both a good and bad thing, and sometimes I worry about postpartum (although generally I don't ever get depressed) after the baby is born without having supportive people around to make the transition into motherhood easier.  I know there will be times when I wish I could just drop by my mom’s house for dinner or to drop the baby off for a couple of hours to run errands.  On the other hand though, I guess I don't have to worry about any “drop-in” guests or always having people around who give me unsolicited advice lol.  I hope and anticipate that there will be nothing sweeter than lying next to my husband and infant knowing that the 3 of us having everything we will ever need in each other.  I trust that this experience will build my self-confidence in taking care of my child without leaning much on anyone else.

That belly tho'

I love my team!

History repeating itself? Working at another Dysfunctional School 

Sometimes when you’re in the moment it is hard to properly see a situation for what it is.  Thankfully this is not one of those times.  I can fully realize that all the craziness that is constantly going on around me at work is due to the lack of consistent structure, strong leadership, and targeted goals that drive the organization.  And bringing up a problem is seen as evidence of a personality defect rather than as an observation of reality.   Teachers at the school have gotten so used to the multitude of X factors, in fact, that they stop expecting very general things to be done efficiently. 

So what am I learning from this very interesting work experience? 

• A successful turnaround at a school requires transforming school culture, expectations, and routines......(much like the United States). 
• Unless your leaders and staff are deeply and irrevocably committed to making a turnaround work, school reform and progress is going to fail.
• A focus needs to be on possibilities and opportunities instead of barriers, while working to eliminate those barriers that prevent learning altogether.
• Truth Over Harmony always!

Thinking Ahead.....So what's next?

Who knows what next year will bring?  The past few weeks I have been seriously thinking about what my next steps will be and how it will affect my family, career, and personal development.    I have found in the past that knowing what my next few steps are have made it easier to make choices and to  

work a little harder even when I did not want to.  But what happens when you aren’t sure about where the next road leads?   I guess the only 'acceptable' solution I found and the one I'm sticking to right now is to do what I have started already, until I get to that point when I say "Stop!" and move on to something else, although starting from the beginning is not so intriguing….change is inevitable and necessary.

And on that note I always keep in mind………

“ Every man is the painter and the sculptor of his own life. ”

— St. John Chrysostom

I'm evolving....and it's a good thing!

Three apartment moves in one country done!

Two weeks of professional development done!

First week of School done!

One tired Selina!

The job 
So after months of accumulating ideas, concerns, and areas of weakness for the school, I put together a professional development that I was pleased with.  It was not perfect by far, not “exactly” what I wanted or precisely the exact thing every teacher needed but it was a huge step in the right direction.  I have always taken great pride in loving my staff, trusting their professionalism, listening to their concerns and responding accordingly.  I feel gratified that this is still true after being out of the classroom in administration for 3+ years now.  In a school, your staff is one of your most valued commodities and I have literally seen schools crumple (no names mentioned lol) because they didn't value and/or support their staff members.  I always promised myself that when I left the classroom, I would remain an educator at heart and always think about what is best for all stakeholders.  I’m glad to still be in a position where I can uphold this and the bureaucracy hasn't hindered my vision.

Out of professional development this year came many school-wide changes that I don’t think most people expected (administration and teachers included).  I had three goals for professional development this year:
1. To transform the culture of the school (the culture of achievement, as well as, culture of school-wide expectations).
2. To develop one school = one team, building moral and school spirit
3. To develop consistency around academics and quality instruction in every division (from Reading to PE, from ECC to Secondary)
Its definitely too early to say whether any of the goals were achieved, but it is crystal clear that the school has begun to move in the right direction.  Small victories…☺

The position, my age, and dealing with change
As you recall, I was promoted to a new position this year and now I am the Head of Learning and Instruction.  Which on the surface seems like an awesome position to have and a great next step up the career ladder for me.…hmmmm…. What people in these positions don’t often talk about is how lonely it is as you move further up the career ladder, especially as a black woman.  I’m not much of a “sharer” actually people would probably call me an “under-sharer” as I keep everything contained inside; but this is something I feel like is important to share so people understand me, as a person.  I’m in a very awkward position this year. The other administrations are all very much older than me and I don't quite fit into their social group (and I’m fine with) because frankly I think they don't know how to categorize the people me and my husband’s are.  Most teachers either see me as their “boss” and are afraid to talk to me (let along do any social activities with me) OR feel like because I’m married I don't enjoy doing a lot of things that singles do lol.  And then throw in the fact that I’m the only Black American in the school, which I’m sure for many this is their 1st interaction with someone from my culture and so that adds on a level of apprehension.  It is a situation I am not use to…..where I come from… faculty and administration cross-over or at least have some staff social functions together….but this is all so dissimilar.  But all of that said I realize I am also a bit of a loner and desire space away from the people I work with.  Need to find a balance……I guess it all takes some adjusting to ah?

In sickness and health:
Last year as you can remember I got an awful virus working here in Qatar.  The virus was definitely debilitating on my immune system and skeletal system as it severely affected all my major joints.  In and out of the hospital for weeks, I can say that was not one of our high moments overseas.  However, my husband was such a rockstar and positive motivator especially on days that I didn't have a positive thing to say about the country, the job, or my experience here.  So I continue to ask him are you sure you meant in sickness and health lol!  This year his patience and unconditional love will once again be tested as we found out that I am expecting.  Which meant not only could I not help move a lot of our stuff in August, but I have had morning (afternoon & evening…hell pretty much all day) sickness, mood swings, and fatigue.  Yet another year I will ask him to remain my rock in sickness and health☺ With morning sickness done whew, mood swings subsiding, and the overall fatigue lightening up…..perhaps I should do something nice for him before he has to take care of me again rotfl.  Surprise vacation might do the trick?


Travel adventures before “Labor Day”
The labor day I refer to is now the week of March 13th.  As I think about my  upcoming breaks and the new addition to our family, I am trying to figure out how we can fit in at least another 2 vacations before I officially cant fly.  I was thinking hard about Phuket and Bangkok for Christmas but now I have to go home to do some baby celebrating with the family & friends.  Perhaps we can still get in Oman, Turkey, and Maldives since they are all relatively close to Qatar.  I have three breaks to work with but my travel bug isn’t quite kicking in……any recommendations for Caribbean island destinations during the Christmas holiday that are easy to escape to if we will be in NY?

Poem of the week:
Don't Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow,
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Year 2: Gotta be better than year 1

This quote pretty much sums up my life:
I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing!  
 ~ Agathe Christle 

London, England:
What a beautiful place!?!  London reminds me a lot of New York City: pubs, taxis, incredibly expensive, beautiful people, luxury accommodations, restaurants, parks and Broadway shows.   Overall impression.....London was a crowded, fast and huge bustling city.

I stayed in Greater London for my conference (but traveled into the city during the evenings) and that area was more like a lot of little towns and villages joined together.  Each neighborhood seemed to have its own character. Some were very nice. Some were dangerous and unsettling.  Much like NY there seems to be a vast range of wealth.  It appears that some of the richest people in the world live in London.  On the other hand, some very poor people live on the streets in cardboard boxes too.

The tube (London’s underground subway) is pretty brilliant; you can cross the city quickly and easily, and it is one of the best-connected systems I’ve been on (after NYC of course lol).  London when measured against other major cities in the world seems to still be worthy of its place near the top of the list as one of the world’s top cities.  I think the pubs and food moved their ranking to the top for me!

Summer in NYC:
So my summer in NYC was a whirlwind, tornado, cyclone all wrapped in one (Elena told me it would be and I should have listened)!  It is impossible to put into context the amount of people you feel obligated to see, dinners and drinks, and money I spent getting together to see some familiar faces.  While it was a very exhausting and time consuming trip, I appreciated every moment of catching up with family and friends.  A lot has changed since I have been gone in Qatar; but many things stayed the same.  While it was comfortable to come home to familiar surroundings, I found myself feeling out of place in my longtime home.  Didn’t think it would only take me one year for me to realize that living in NYC isn’t for me anymore.

The things you learn as you get older (and hopefully wiser)...

1. The rumors are true: your metabolism does slow down as you get older! That means if you’re still eating whatever you want, there’s a good chance you’ll start to gain an awkward amount of weight.
2. You’re going to have people in your life who are toxic. They may say that they love you, they may say that they have your back, but they don’t. Get rid of them.
3. Always swallow your pride to say you’re sorry. Being too proud to apologize is never worth it — your relationship suffers for no good benefit. (my husband helped me learn this)
4. The moment is all there is.  All our worries and plans about the future, all our replaying of things that happened in the past — it’s all in our heads, and it just distracts us from fully living right now. Let go of all that, and just focus on what you’re doing, right at this moment. 
5. You can’t motivate people. The best you can hope for is to inspire them with your actions. 
6. You are so lucky to have everything that you have. Stop crying about stupid shit and get some perspective.

Year 2
The next segment of my journey in the Middle East has officially begun.  We just moved into the flat at the Pearl, which is a man-made Island here in Doha Qatar (kinda dope).  The pearl tower we moved into is similar to our apartment back in NYC, except the amenities in this tower makes this a huge upgrade in terms of apartments.  Lap pool, Jacuzzi, sauna, squash/tennis court, bbq deck area, fitness gym, doorman, concierge, taxis on call, maid service, and 2 bathrooms (yes lord two lol).  As I sit back here in my new pearl Doha flat taking in the sights, smells, and sounds; and all I can think is that God has truly blessed me and taken me down a path unforeseen.  Now don’t get me wrong the work and hours I will have to put in this year will be compensation for these perks and accommodations…but its all worth it right?

If someone asked me two years ago back at Lighthouse where I would be today, I would say with certainty in a Principalship somewhere in the inner city.  Just goes to show you that our plan isn’t always what God has planned for us.  His plan is divine and great....way beyond our imagination.